I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We need to get me chipped asap
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
