you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
