At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
