Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I could make wine with my vomit
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
