I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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