if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
