You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
