dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My vagina is officially offended.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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