i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
