I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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