is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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