maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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