remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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