the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize