and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
