I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
