I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
