Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
