Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
