If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
