My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
