last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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