3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
