you would pick up someone in the library
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have aggressive nipples.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize