Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize