how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
