R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
