Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
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