Where did you get a picture of my penis
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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