I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
