I'm really into asian looking animals
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
