im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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