You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
