I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize