you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize