Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
