Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
