Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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