Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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