you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
