I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize