in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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