She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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