I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
