so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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