I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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