her vagine was all disorganized.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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