I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
