When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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