her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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