well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
