I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
