Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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