remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
