dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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