im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
