Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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