Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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