I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
