oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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