Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
