now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
