And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
