Your favorite bartender is back from prision
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
