did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
