I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
