I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
