I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
