i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
