someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize